Here is my feedback from the judges of the 2021 NYC Midnight challenge. There's a lot of great constructive criticism in here, I'm really impressed by how thoughtful their comments are.
''Venus Snow'' by Katy Merry Hannah
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY
{Judge 2024} I really appreciated the descriptive detail in the action lines of this piece. The descriptions were so beautiful and compelling!
Also, I really enjoyed how this scene makes a simple breakfast feel engaging, as we learn about each of the character's and their purpose on the ship. I appreciated the underlying emotional arch as well, regarding Austin.
{Judge 2026} What an interesting premise: readers watch a space crew navigate through a Venusian hurricane, making breakfast and remembering their fallen comrade. The team dynamic adds an emotional atmosphere of interpersonal interdependency. The chicken discussion is especially heart-warming and fun. I especially like how the scrambled eggs are included, a cheering gesture. The descriptions of the ship, its furniture, and the weather outside are all working well to create setting. Thanks for sharing your writing with us!
{Judge 1837} The immediate details of the storm patterns and symptoms on Venus are vivid and intriguing to the setting and in understanding how Jae is coping with the atmosphere. The systematic descriptions of the kitchen's functions are well explained and feel authentic to this station. The casual dialogue between the crew feels familiar and authentic.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{Judge 2024} This piece has a great foundation. However, the one part that I was confused about was the final piece of dialogue from Odette-- about her niece. It felt off tone from the rest of the story, and I couldn't piece together why it was relevant to the story. (Also, still unsure if Austin was a romantic partner of Odette or Jae, or a sibling, or just a crew member.)
In general, action lines are kept to a maximum of 4-5 lines per paragraph, and when a new beat or character action occurs, a new section / paragraph is made.
Additionally, although I like the phrasing of "time passes" on page 4/6, it could be a new scene with a scene title and time descriptor (example: INT. JAMES STATION, VENUS - LATER).
{Judge 2026} I feel as though we never get to read about what happened to Austin. I feel as though the reader expects to find out what happened eventually. Instead, the team goes on ignoring the traumatic events of the recent past. I wonder if a future version might allude to or offer a clue as to what happened to him, although I'd encourage you to dive deeper, as this is the emotional core of the piece. Allowing the team to talk about Austin could also help remedy the incomplete narrative arc.
{Judge 1837} Jae is holding onto the pain of losing Austin and feels responsible for it. Is there any other insight into who Austin was as a member of this squad? A brief morsel of information that could ground his ghost to this setting? How long has the crew been awaiting a break in the storm?